What is a real friend?

      A challenge I've run into throughout my school and work life is conditional friends. No matter how close you become to a classmate or workmate, once you or they move on to a different school or job, the friendship evaporates. Evaporates quickly.

     The buddies I had in college were guys and girls I knew almost from day one. We lived together in the same hallways and rooms. We partied in our rooms (almost every night!). We hit the party scene/the bong 'n kegs almost every weekend. We knew each other's friends. We knew each other's families. We knew each other’s classes and coursework and favorite games.

     The day we graduated was, for most of them, the very last day I ever set eyes on them. Just like that. No fancy goodbye. No emails going forward. No nothing.

     And even the friends you "keep," are friends in a different way. You may see them once a week or month or year or every few years. But it's not the same level of every day friendship. This even happens with family members: my own sister, I'm sad to recognize, who used to be with me every day, play the same games when we were little kids, go on family trips together .... when we see each other once or twice a year now, it's almost like a formal greeting. That's all. I've always found that sad. 

     Which leads me to reflect on what a real friend is. It's not only any friendship of dedication and time. It's a friend who maintains a level of friendship that is valuable for both of you, despite whatever life changes happen. That level may change - will change - over time. But it remains of value to both of you. No matter if you change schools or have kids or move to Tanzania or buy a Tesla or become a Cleveland Browns fan. You remain friends. 

     A real friend is special. Hold onto him or her. 

What if we are small and alone?

     In the ongoing internal debate between theism and atheism, a thought that bothers me is a sense of emptiness. Without a sense of a god (or gods) above, where do we place ourselves in existence? Existence which, we've more and more become aware of, is enormously enormous. Both in time and space. Even if the universe is not infinite, it is so incredibly large that our place in it (our entire galaxy's place in it!) is so amazingly small that we - as individuals, as groups, as countries, as a whole world of people and other lifeforms, is so incredibly small and - yes, I say it on a cosmic scale - insignificant.

     We go through such SHORT lifespans relative to the ages of our planet; dinosaurs occupied the earth for about 165 million years .... the first life on earth was about 3.7 billion years ago .... earth itself is about 4.5 billion years old .... the first humans came onto earth's scene about 5-7 million years ago. The time we (as humanity as a whole) has existed is almost as miniscule as the physical place of our planet in the universe.

     How does this make us feel about our lives? What we do in our lives? Who we know and interact with? If there is no god? If we just live and die - and when we die, that's it. No afterlife, no nothing. 

     If this sense of the relative emptiness of our existence, this crucially short and precious existence, was felt more strongly by humanity now and in the past, how would our conduct to ourselves and to our fellow-humans and fellow lifeforms be different? If we had no sense of a god above or going to heaven (or hell). How would it be different?

    If we all had a feeling of our shared ephemeral existence .... would we fail to care for each other so often? Would we fight with each other so often? Would we wage war on each other? Would we cheat each other? Would we hate each other? Would we be more compassionate toward those less fortunate than us if we believed there was no god that would save them at the end?

     Or would we (I like to opine Yes!) love each other more? Would we avoid hurting each other if we all felt that our existence was so short and miniscule in the scale of the cosmos? Would we be so adamant about making money and beating each other out of jobs and sports teams and occupying Alsace-Lorraine? 

     I do feel that if we all felt we didn't have a god to forgive our sins, to take us after death to an "eternal paradise," to forgive and love us .... if we felt it was just our brief existence together on this miniscule, physical earth .... we would be more of a community. A whole-world community that cares for and helps each other through our meager existence.

Don't waste your time complaining!

      I have a colleague who has shown me the wasteful, unproductive habit of complaining about stuff you can't fix! He distracts himself from productive tasks by focusing on issues that none of us have any capacity to fix or improve.

     In all our work and play, we always run into elements that obstruct us, that annoy us. It's inevitable. Whether it be people or instruments or processes, any occupation/industry has these challenges. Nowhere is perfect!

     What magnifies these challenges in terms of time expenditure is complaining about items you can't fix. Many of the complainers are habitually-so - to the point you know they are going to complain before they even say anything! It is, of course, important to be aware of these problems, since one day they may be able to be dealt with or, in most cases, you need to devise workarounds so these problems aren't holding you back.

     But complaints in themselves often only slow a team down. They are detrimental even if they raise an important point to consider for later on. Moreover, time spent complaining is time that could be instead used productively. No matter what your role or industry, directing yourself and those you work with toward those productive avenues is your main task. For this reason, you and your team must avoid complaining!

How much should I let my children explore the world on their own?

     Having and raising children is a tremendous joy and an unimaginable responsibility. My two little ones are 5 and 2. You read all sorts of books and magazines and blogs about raising children, but until you actually (try to) do it, you can't really understand how difficult the responsibilities and challenges can be.

    A central question I have when I play and guide them and watch them - it's work, but it's fun work! - is the balance between guidance and allowing them to explore on their own. For sure, safety is a primary concern - in many cases, me and my wife step in and "guide" them when they play or walk around just to keep them safe. In many cases, we estimate they aren't able to safely do something (ie. climb up on the kitchen counter), when they really are able to. They know more than we think they do!

    So the challenge becomes, you guide to keep them safe and to teach them (our years of life experience must have some value we can share!). But you also need to let them try things themselves - open/close the box, the door, put on their shoes by themselves, clean up the mess they made with their toys in the living room. The more and more I observe them, the more I see how much they learn by observing the world around them and trying things themselves. You have to be patient and watch them explore the world.

     

Social media expression - how free is it?

 While I’m not exactly an overly ambitious Tweeter or Facebooker or Google+-er (are those still around? pardon the joke at Google’s expense …), I do engage in some minimal social media and have noticed some things. I do value the improved ability to stay in touch with current or lost friends and the communication value is certainly almost limitless. However, I find the discourse on social media is not always the most conducive to free expression.

Please, if anyone out there disagrees with me on this, let me know! I’m sure many of you have remarkable examples of how a social media platform, such as Twitter, has allowed you to truly, freely express yourselves, but I wonder if you’ve witnessed any of the downsides? Because our words and thoughts are so openly visible, I think there is something of a tendency to shy away from some forms of expression.

Take politics, for instance. I have personally known stories of people receiving forms of discrimination or retribution in their workplace after freely expressing an opinion on a sensitive topic such as abortion or free trade or immigration or even which presidential candidate(s) they support.  Does fear of such treatment curtail truly free expression? Back in the days before Twitter etc, I’m sure similar things happened, but at least in a non-social media world you could decide with whom and when you wanted to share what.

Or an example from my own experience in sports fandom. I’m a fan of football (American) and baseball. That’s mostly it. I don’t know much at all about soccer (although I am curious, it seems so popular it must be great!) So I read another Tweeter’s opinion that described how sportscasters for soccer often take the role of mere spokespeople in favor of the teams they report on (as opposed to a lot of sportscasters for baseball and football, who mostly seem to be unbiased reporters, having opinions, but not biased in one way or another – I hope Skip Bayless is reading this, he should learn what a real reporter does!). So I merely asked this person if these soccer sportscasters had any financial stake or interest in the success of a given team? (a casual question, since I don’t know the system!). This person angrily told me “not to ask pointed questions lest I offend someone.” Really? So if I can’t ask a pointed question, how can we have real, open discourse that will enrich and educate all of us? If I’m afraid of offending someone by a mere question, I should be more afraid to offend some more people by making an actual statement!

Maybe I’m overreacting, and I hope one of you more social media-savvy friends out there can point me in the right direction and give me some more confidence to express myself. But as it is, sending out messages to “anyone out there” seems like a risky way to express oneself …. Unless of course you’re not afraid of offending anyone, which I hope most people are and one of you out there will encourage me to be!

Thanks for listening (ie. reading). Tweet me @ErikDWeis !!!! And I look forward to having free discourse on any topic with you!!!

Lessons from Francis Bacon's Of Great Place

Francis Bacon's essay, Of Great Place, provides a tight and fitting set of lessons for development into a strong and well-thought-of worker in any area of endeavor. Here is a link to the text of the essay, along with a set of lessons I derive from this work:

https://www.authorama.com/essays-of-francis-bacon-12.html

And here are my lessons, taken from Bacon:

1. As Bob Dylan so correctly exclaimed, “You’re gonna have to serve somebody.” As we achieve great stations in life, we appear to rise, but we also become beholden to our position, serving those above us (for there is always someone above us, whether in nominal position or influence), serving our institution, serving the requirements of our own exalted position, and serving the challenges of our enterprise.

2. We become slaves to our situations, even our situations of great accomplishment and accompanying wealth and greatness. As we rise to great position, we become fully absorbed in that position and don’t see to our own person.

3. With great power, comes great responsibility. (from the pens of Voltaire and Spider-Man). With responsibility, freedom of action is limited. Thus with power, we lose freedom.

4. We strive through challenges to achieve a position where we are blessed with new and greater challenges.

5. Our fault is we cannot be content and happy with our own thoughts and opinions. We desire affirmation by borrowing the opinions of others.

6. We rush to harp on what we dislike and loath about the world around us. We are slow to look inside and discover our own failings.

7. To think good thoughts, for ourselves and others, is but idle fancy, for these thoughts and intentions stay only within the mind. We must have place and position to turn those good dreams, thoughts of goodness and thoughts of good actions, into actual action. To do actual good, rather than to think or dream of it, is the goal of our good thoughts and desires.

8. Make a list: take the people you admire and the people you don’t. Make a list of their good traits and bad traits. Now, make a list of your own good traits and bad traits. What you do well, what you do poorly. What you have mastered and what you have to work on (some things seriously work on). The most important thing about these lists is to be brutally honest with yourself. Do you write well? Do you write poorly? Why? Do you speak well? Do you speak poorly? Why? Only with an honest assessment can you turn this list into a tool to drive improvement. And you use the list of others’ strengths/weaknesses as a guide for your own.

9. Be consistent. People should be able to expect good things from you, on a consistent basis.

10. Don’t be demanding.

11. Be honest when you err.

12. Assume and be confident in your rights, your rights to your position and your actions. Be confident in your right to be in your place, to be doing what you are doing. Assume your rights, do not demand them.

13. Welcome advice, support, and counsel from others. It is overconfident and arrogant to shun advisors.

14. Be punctual, be available to others, do what must be done in a timely fashion.

15. Do not only avoid corruption in yourself but shun bribery from others. Avoid not only corruption, but any actions that could lead to the suspicion of corruption. For what others think of your conduct may be as important as your conduct itself. Be honest and forthright when declaring your actions, do not hide your intentions or moves. For this leads to suspicion of corruption.

16. Be severe, but not rough.

17. Ambition produces aggression. Authority produces a settled, calm demeanor.

18. Respect and honor those who came before you, for if you do not, you will not be respected and honored by those who follow you.

19. Call upon your colleagues when they do not look to be called, rather than ignore them when they want to be called.

Our desires shaped by society

  It’s remarkable that we can be so convinced that we like something, enjoy something, want to do something, that we disregard the clear truth that we don’t really like it at all. In my own life, I have personally seen – way too clearly and for way too long – how what we like as adolescents, in particular, is often rooted in what we think and expect other people to want us to like.

In my own career path, I initially followed a journey that did not at all fit with my true interests, passions, and abilities. I was convinced that I should like this career path since that was a field that appeared to be popular and prestigious, even a sexy option (I laugh at myself now for saying). When I later left that path – after a long period of futility and hardship – I came to see it as a stark lesson in the external influences on our desires and passions. We imagine our affinities and yearnings to accord with the generally-held opinions around us, rather than our own true inclinations.

And those external influences themselves can often be imaginary as well. As a teenager and young adult, in high school and college, I felt I had a deep understanding of what the outside world of family and friends and the greater public would perceive of my chosen profession. I was sure that this was the only path to pursue because it was “the best.”

We learn from our mistakes, of course, and those lessons are often the hardest and the most important. When we enter into a pursuit following the imagined desires of others – they will think I’m smart! They will think I’m strong! They will think I’m the cool guy walking down the hall! – we sometimes find that these desires do not at all reflect our true desires - our personal desires, which should, we later realize, have been our driving force all along.

We are slaves to society. And that slavery brainwashes us. While we are citizens of the world, while we explore and seek to fit within the world around us, we must never forget who we really are inside.